Oh no he didn’t! Oh yes she did! That stupid-son-of-a-beeswax gave me herpes!

Herpes is the new STD (sexually transmitted disease) and up to 80% of adults get it through unprotected sexual activity with their partner. If you’ve never been kissed or never had sex you’re safe, but seriously how many virgins are there today. If you want to know if your lover or mate has herpes, then look for the signs and symptoms.

HSV-1 herpes appear as cold sores or blisters on the mouth region. Even a brief kiss on the lips with someone who’s infected with Type 1 will infect you. Learn to really embrace the handshake is all we’re saying. HSV-2 herpes appear as razor burn, pimples, bug bites, blisters and sores in the nether region (sneak a peek underneath the underwear and beyond). Symptoms may not appear for up to 20 days. First outbreak is the worst. Here are a few way to detect if your mate has STD.

You can’t die from herpes, just die from embarrassment.

1. Cold sores on mouth or lips.

“But baby, it’s just a fever blister,” he says. Don’t kiss him, instead send him blow-kisses and keep his lips as far away from any part of your body as possible. Where those infected lips travel they leave little seeds that will pop up as herpes.

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2. Blisters on mouth or lips.

She says it’s just an allergic reaction to something she ate. So what was she eating? On a scale of 1-10 are these kissable lips, uh this pair is at a -150.

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3. Cold sores or blisters on tongue.

If your boyfriend has a tongue like this, that tongue is not meant for kissing. We’re not sure that tongue’s meant for eating. Medic! Someone call a medic.

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4. Cold sores or blisters on face.

He says it’s a result of razor burn. Don’t electronics have to go through a type of screening to make sure the product is safe to use for the general public? He should let his beard grow out.

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5. Blisters on the hand.

Okay, we regress, we said to embrace the handshake but maybe that’s not a good idea either. That’s not a wart or blisters from insect bites. Buy her a pair of gloves before you cuddle.

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6. Blisters, cold sores or rash on back.

It’s sexy to rip open your man’s shirt and kiss him all over. This isn’t sexy and no, he was not in a biking accident, unless he slipped and fell into some other woman’s pants.

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7. Blisters or cold sores near the eyes.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” This is just plain ugly. On a scale of 1-10 on ugly this hits a 200!

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8. Cold sores or blister on legs.

Don’t you just love a girl with sexy legs? So why does your girl always wear pants? Why is she the first in bed when you’re about to have an romantic tussle? And why does her legs feel like a rocky-road when your feet brush them between the sheets? Buy her hose, quick, like yesterday.

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9. Inside of lips.

New life lesson, before you kiss anybody make him or her roll their lips outward. You’ll thank us later.

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10. Foot blisters.

He loves to massage your feet but he never wants you to massage his feet. Why is that? This is not a case of athletes’ foot fungus.

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11.  Blister or cold sores on arms.

“But I was working out on the yard and got stung by bees.” Don’t believe him. Sure bee stings swell and blister but they don’t reoccur over and over again.

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12. Blisters on chest.

He says it’s just a birthmark, but birthmarks don’t come and go. Someone cover him with Saran wrap. Do us all a favor and keep a shirt on him, please.

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13.  Blisters or cold sores on roof of mouth.

French kissing is the bomb! But in this case, it’s a fire bomb. Play doctor and say to your mate, “Now I’m going to ask you to open wide (mouth that is).” He’ll comply of course thinking it’s foreplay when you’re really investigating where he’s mouth has wandered off to. We don’t want to know.

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14. Blisters or cold sores on neck.

Girls love to be kissed on the neck and to kiss their mate’s neck. “It’s just a rash, baby, it will go away.” Right, but what he doesn’t tell you is that it will come back. By then your wet kisses just smacked herpes.

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15. Blisters on the ear.

Right as you’re about to whisper sweet nothings into his ear, take a good look at that ear. “It’s just red because I’ve been scratching it, dear.” Well, dear, you have herpes so don’t lie to her about it.

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